Here is the XXX Guardian piece in its original form, read to the end.
I prefer it, because it has Jack Russell puppies in it
As I sit here in Africa, no food, no water, nothing to sustain me except a triple gin and tonic and crisps, a new stench rises above the stench of despair. The stench of terror.
Below me, naked hoards rampage over the corpses, their illiterate brays ululating above the cicadas.
“Kill him!” they scream in a West Coast American accent. “With an AK47 or something man!”
God bless the Invisible Children. Not only have they put Kony on Page 1, but they made wanking in public awesome.
There aren’t rampaging hoards who misunderstood the movie here. Frankly I don’t think the mums of kidnapped kids I met would care if Simon Cowell had rescued them so long as someone did. Kony2012 gave the peace lobby a platform and forced the African Union off its arse while the AU’s bankrollers – the British government among them - were content to let them dawdle.
But re the backlash, let me get this straight - “I understand Kony2012 condensed a 26-year war into digestible form,” say the critics, “but what about the millions less intelligent than myself?” Or to paraphrase, “Never mind 30,000 kidnapped children, look at meeeeeee.”
I haven’t met anyone less intelligent than me. I live in Nairobi, for pity’s sake, after I gave the profits of my book about Kony to a charity. Enough to build a house for a former kidnapped kid, but as often happens in charity situations, my money has built a derelict building. However! The upside is I’m one of the few people in the British media not afraid of Bob Geldof. Unlike Bob, I live in Africa, not a nice Kent mansion bought by a tax-lite offshore company. If he wants to sue me, I’ve got nothing to lose.
There is a simple reason why it took Kony2012 to get Kony - who really has kidnapped 30,000 kids – on Page 1.
Bono and Bob Geldof and their culture of charity-as-industry. Their self-serving bollocks has made editors run screaming from the word Africa. I’ve met those editors. “Yeah, Kony, great story Jane, but Africa… Gawd, depressing…” This from a Hollywood bigshot: “30,000, amazing story. Are there going to be a lot of Africans in it?”
Bono and Bob have made Africa all about victims. Those victims would tell us about the perpetrators, like Kony, if they were allowed take the flies out their mouths for five minutes. But it’s too late, we’re not listening, we were depressed the minute Bono or Bob stank across the screen.
Meanwhile, out of sight, the fight against Kony was bungled for 26 years. The World Bank funded a rehab centre for children who escaped Kony. Terrific. Who did they pay to run it? Kony’s primo rapist “Brigadier” Kenneth Banya. Kony ran a city of kids in Sudan systematically raping thousands; luckily the international community had maps showing its location. Did they rescue the kids? Of course not, no one was looking. The Ugandan government kept 2million Ugandans in semi-starvation camps at gunpoint for ten years while they “searched” for Kony. The UN issued a press release. Demanding the 2M be released? No, asking the public to send money to feed these people ‘fleeing Kony’. Kony, cash cow of charities and bent governments alike.
Why does no one take Africa away from Bono and Bob Geldof? Find ‘em a new hobby that hits the same spot. They’ll end up in a 69, like Jack Russell puppies only not adorable.
Adorable
But that would still leave Kony at large. I have a solution.
In the stench of darkness, I met the boss of an Africa-based security company. His eyepatch fixed me with a piercing stare. I asked, “How much to get Kony? None of your funny-funny my friend, I want him in court, no Bin Laden bollocks where you claim he died in a clean fight and then a roll of film turns up at Snappysnaps with a fat Welshman wearing his knackers for earrings.”
“Don’t worry Jane,” he said, his heavily scarred face twisting into a smile in the African sunset. “We’ll find him and his fellow ICC accused in a coordinated mission focused on avoiding reprisal massacres and facilitating a last-minute opportunity for traditional justice and peace talks.”
“How much?” I asked, burping Gordon’s elegantly above the cicadas.
“900,000 US,” he said, “And I’ll do that cunt Bono for free”. So there you have it. Two million dollars exactly to stop Joseph Kony; as an NGO, I trouser $1,100,000.
But where will I find such wealth? Governments and charities won’t help; arresting Kony might change the status quo for some African somewhere.
Wait. I know.
Bono.
And Bob. Bob Geldof. Sir Saint Bob of Africa.
The very men behind Africa’s awful media image.
However, as tax dodgers, they want VFM. So here is my offer.
For one million dollars each, I promise to stop calling you cunts.
I will stop saying in respected national newspapers that Bono is an unspeakable cunt who does Louis Vuitton ads in Africa. I will stop writing books containing the line “Imagine if Bob Geldof wasn’t a cunt.” I won’t call Geldof a cunt for spending decades scaring off investors from Africa - who could have created jobs instead of handouts - then realising Africa is booming and setting up an investment fund boasting he’d get $2billion because the phocking Africans love me (the fund raised $200,000). I will stop reminding listeners Bono is a cunt who lectures on generosity while operating U2’s own tax dodge in Holland. I will stop recounting an anecdote from Michael Palin’s diaries where he meets Geldof at a party, and Saint Bob remarks, ‘My morality is absolutely clear, I just want to make lots and lots of money.’ The cunt. I won’t even get into your cunt friend Sting’s cuntfests to “Rethink How Change Happens In Our Society” – that’s a cunting quote from Trudi’s invite - in his Italian mansion, or was it French, Chateau Cunt Sur L’Herbe, I don’t even care any more. Christ, what a bunch of cunts.
Please feel free to forward my offer via its twitter handle, @bonoandgeldofarecunts, currently trending hard.
Bono and Bob stop Kony. Everyone wins. Should Bono and Geldof sue me, I will conduct my own defense. I’ve already written it.
“Your Honour, what kind of cunt would take me to court over this? I rest my case.”